Rasputina~ Wish You Were Here

Fan made video.Rasputina does a great,bleak but warm cover of the song.

Wrapping Queen

Last week we went to Wal-Mart.I hate the place BUT it is the cheapest place around for food and anything else.So,I was cashing a check and after it was done Michael and I walked away.Before we passed the produce we agreed it should be counted,since the guy NEVER counted it in front of us.Counted through twice we were given 60 dollars too much.After some brief debate-which I babbled about Karma and losing his job at Xmas or at least having to pay it back.We took it back to him and he was very shocked and very grateful.I couldn't have spent that money with a clear conscience.That was my good deed for the day,week,etc.

Today we went again.This time I left with Batman wrapping paper,a hands-free tape dispenser and a paper cutter (a blade on a stick made by 3M).I can't explain how excited I am about this paper and these wrapping tools.I have a store of bags already.I am hoping to build up my tissue paper and wrapping paper rolls as well.But Bats would NOT find the paper amusing at all.

I finished all of Michael's shopping.I would say what he got BUT he reads this blog,so I can't.Nor can I tell you what I bought him from the Dollar Tree for our version of the 12 days of Christmas.In our version,they start this Sunday.Each day we can dig into our stocking and pick out one wrapped gift.Last one is for Xmas eve-then of course is Xmas and the big haul.I'll celebrate ANYone's holiday around this time of year.Pagan,Jewish,Christian-whatever.

My Mom is finally moving out of her third floor apartment.It was horrible for her with all the complications from her heart attack last year.This house is old BUT it it has enough rooms for two guest rooms (if she wants),a screened in porch,a deck,a cellar,wood floors and a yard of her own.I think she will see her depression lift once she moves and has a place to garden,a place with windows,a place for her animals to run and more space.They get the keys tomorrow.

Axe,don't feel bad in any way about fertility vs.non-fertility.I honestly don't care 95% of the time.In face,I relish my lack of birthing capability after a trip to Wal-Mart,a movie or out just about anywhere.Besides,love is love and I can care as much about someone I CHOOSE as my child as I could a bio-child.So I can't grow a child in my womb (or lack thereof)-I can grow one in my heart and THAT trumps biology.No offense to the bio-Moms.

We put up our tree.I have wrapped the gifts I have so far-only two.The rest are in transit because I bought them online.I'll get some as soon as Thursday.I can't wait to use my Batman paper!I already have Noah's gift,bff's AND my SIL's as well.I have ideas for everyone else.

Roots

So,I have been going through my family things that I have suddenly become keeper of.I have learned a LOT.I now have some of my great-grandfather's school books.They are interesting because he doodled in them.My great-grandmother's name and address are all over any available space in those books!He also counts down the days until he goes home (from military academy).I learned that he didn't really like it there.It makes him so much more human to me.

I also learned that his father-John James Archibald Clark,was big into business in turn of the 20th century Daytona Beach.He owned a hotel there that Billy Sunday (yeah I know he's a nut) even went to.Here is a scan of a card from Sunday's visit I found online:

I also found REAL photos online too.It was so awesome!They later tore it down to make a parking lot-let's here it for progress:(.He also was a bank president.Imagine that man in Daytona Beach-Highland brogue and all.

I also have my great grandfather's sword from military school.It is beautiful.I want to restore it and get a lovely case for it.There are also so many photos that are over a hundred years old!I am so proud!I found my great-grandmother's maternal family also,the Fristick's!It was so eye-opening.

Another find was my father's baby book.I didn't expect that.Hell,I didn't know they had baby books in 1950!It was full of photos,written stuff about my Dad's first years.He was beautiful.Oddly enough,I saw my face in my Grandmother's face and she was such a cold,mean-spirited woman.But I saw myself in her.I liked seeing her so happy over my dad though-and my Grandfather,my great uncles and all the other family.

I also found a book of my Grandfather's detailing all my Grandmother's letters and cards to him.The time it arrived,the type of correspondence.He was besotted with her,just as his father was with my great-grandmother.It is helping make them all more human for me-softening my anger and hurt.Reminding me they DID love.

I am finding my anger becoming fuzzy as I go through my Father's things.It is bringing me closer to him than I ever was when he was alive.It hurts that this is how I get close to him.Hurts that alcohol took him away from me and he didn't fight harder damn it.

But I also know how much self-loathing must have been there for him to be an addict.He wasn't drunk all the time,so he must have spent some sober time loathing his actions.Maybe it is why he worked so much.Maybe I am spinning a fantasy.

I understand that self-loathing-because I have it too.He told my Mom one of the reasons he didn't want kids was because he was afraid they would be ugly (because he was,in his eyes).I'm not my biggest fan,but he was a beautiful baby,a striking,handsome man.I was a cute baby!I hope he saw that he was wrong.

Seeing him as a baby makes me sad because the small part of me wonders what my own children would have looked like.Seeing my pictures,his,Michael's.I know they would have been beautiful.But that's not my destiny.

The estate is a rough thing to muddle through.Thankfully my brother is doing a GREAT job.He hired a lawyer to untangle it all.We haven't argued over anything.I fear he won't take enough and he fears I won't take enough.I REALLY don't mind handing over the 'Vette to him.Hell,I can't drive it and I don't like American cars.I am happy with a riding lawnmower-at least I can drive it;)!

I am offended that the realtor handling my Grandmother's house has called my brother every day since learning of my Father's death.She asks him to hurry up the dealing with his estate (so SHE can deal with my grandmother's).That is rude!I know the bitch is out for her commission and it was days away-but have some respect!

I decided that the best thing-the first thing I will do that will honor my Father and what he has left me is to go back to school.He would find that prudent and smart.I found out that Western (Carolina) has a community counseling program Master's.I am excited but scared.It would get me into jobs with adoption agencies,state agencies,non-profits and even my own practice.I would be licensed!How cool is that!?ALso,there is a Jewish studies minor I would like to take-just because.Class number one is learning Hebrew.I am drawn to Judaism so much it amazes me.

In mundane news-Gozmo bit the shit out of my right palm.It was my fault for being grabby with a food dish.He gave me four wounds,one VERY good one in the juncture between my thumb and forefinger.I'll not do THAT again.

My psychic friend says I am destined to be a healer.She says I am a VERY powerful one-if I'll get a mentor and LET myself engage my potential.Not a doctor-a spiritual healer.She says I took on things like my early birth,my vision and cancer for someone else-so they wouldn't have to.I have to be careful she says,to not absorb so much of an illness.I am having flashes of John Coffey here!Also,my family is full of healers she said,passed down from woman to woman and that one of my maternal ancestors could do as much bad as good when she wanted.She also said I needed to write.And she knew I was clairaudient.She says I am psychic that way.I think everyone can be.

So,what say you my friends?Am I crazy?

Aftermath

I got a call on Oct. 29 that my Father had died.That was a Thursday but he died on Tuesday.No one found him until Thursday.He went the way everyone wishes they could go-he just went to sleep.He wasn't ill,it was just his time to go. My brother and I buried him the Monday after.I stayed at the house to go through his things and pack up what I could,throw out some and donate the rest.The estate and all that tangled mess is my brother's to handle,so I think it is only right that I clear and clean the house.It will be sold,because neither of us wishes to live there. Please don't feel bad for me.I REALLY am okay.My Father was an alcoholic and I wept for him long ago.In my heart he died MANY years ago.Now he is free of his struggles with drinking,so I am happy for him.He isn't lonely anymore. Meanwhile,in the same span that Michael and I were cleaning and packing up my Father's house his Mom was diagnosed with Guillian-Barre syndrome.It is an autoimmune disease that attacks the nervous system.She will be moved to Duke or Chapel Hill for care in the next day or so.They caught it early,so she should be fine,though the road to recovery will be long. Then,his Gran fell and broke her ankle.She will have surgery to repair it soon.This was all within a matter of a week.

The only good news is that I have found a program I am interested in here,for my Master's-community counseling.I am starting to practice for the GRE because it gives me something to do AND I need the practice.I must wonder if I am being Punk'd though because this is all nuts.

Tuesday (Right?)

All the horrible pomp of funerals is over-so glad.It was VERY tiring.I'm glad people want to help but having so many around for long days at a time is energy zapping.

I agreed to stay for the week and work on the beginnings of sorting through everything in the house.Oddly enough,I am very comfortable in the house alone,I was here alone a lot as a eenager,so it's like old times.

I DO have a lot of mixed feeling about it all.I will say this...the father I loved and/or wished I had was grieved for LONG ago.I don't feel a lot of that now.I am relieved that he is free of his demons and ill-health.

My bff decided this event in my life-with all the mystery surrounding it-is my take on a L&O:CI epi-without the foul play.Now if only a cute detective would come by to offer his condolances;).Or a young,bald billionaire!

There are many details with all this but it is VERY private.It is a BIG mess for my pooor brother to have to handle now,all the business of it.I feel bad that I can't help him more.I hope handling the "stuff" in the house will be worthy help.I wish I had a head for business,but I don't.

Jojo,I am bummed to hear about Brian's turn of luck.That's crap!On a lighter note,did the package get to you?I hope so.

We plan on doing something a bit more "dad" like for my father later this week.He would have hated the hymns,the suits,all that.So bff,Michael and I will go celebrate properly in a few days.No doubt my Father took one look and listen to the service and walked out because "the music sucked" and it wasn't a party worth staying at!

Pass

I'll be off-line for a few days.My Father died and there is much to do.I will fill in everyone when I have time.I'm fine-really.If you actually read this blog you know me well enough to know that this is VERY honestly true.For now the human matters of it all must be tended to by my brother and myself.

-J

Hype Victims

 So-I got raked over the coals at Duke last Friday.First I am waiting in the exam room-in a hospital gown-for an hour!NP comes in and tells me she is late because she didn't think I would show up!!!!First-me showing up is sort of outta my hands because I can't drive-they know this!Second-keeping appointments is your JOB damn it!I guess reproduction turns medical personnel into bitches.

 So,she bitches about my weight-yes I know I'm fucking fat-thanks for the memo genius!She asks me AGAIN why I moved to A-ville...as if it is her business!My family is here,thanks very much.Durham was a hellhole and I didn't want to go back.Too many bad memories and she was adding to them.

 next she tells me I should be getting my port cleared every 6 weeks.Yes-I know THAT too,but I am NOT going 3.5 hours just to have a nurse put two syringes of anti-clotting agent in my port.That takes all of 30 seconds.She then says I could (should) get my port removed then-if I can't get it cleaned when I should.I can go to Duke every six weeks OR find an infusion center in A-ville to do it.Keep that in mind-it matter in a paragraph or two.She looks at my non-existent veins in my right arm and seems satisfied that I am right-there are few to no places for needles to go even twice a year for MORE Zometa.Suddenly it goes from 4 treatments to sic-meaning I am only halfway through-rather than one away!

 Then she tells me that soy is okay UNLESS I plan on having 14 servings a day!Can you picture my whole head swelling with fury at this point?

 She again refuses to acknowledge that A-ville has anything going for it-like it is some Podunk town because it isn't built like say NYC or Chicago.There is an assumption that there are no good doctors in the whole area.

 So,I call when I get home-to find a place to get my port cleared as often as I should-following HER orders.They tell me I need a local onc for that-which is fine with me.They also say that they have worked with my Dr. a LOT before and getting a referral should be NO issue.Oh?So I felt like throwing her under the bus.I tell them that she has refused to release me into their care because there is no one in the area she finds competent enough to care for me.

 I find out that they can and will work in concert with her to bring my care closer to home and it is a way to get my port cleared when it should be and get my Zometa done closer-rather than so far away.I call Duke and tell them that.I never speak to my NP on the phone and I have only seen the actual onc TWICE!

 Anyway-they relay the message to the onc who says:Nevermind that-just get the port taken out,it's doing more harm than good.These are the people who wanted the port in at LEAST two years in case I recurred!!Now after barely a year it is doing more harm than good?The onc clearly has NOT seen the state of my veins and why I want to keeep the port.But they want me to remove the port so I stay in their care!Rather than let me be closer by I should get the port removed ASAP and have the veins in my right arm dug at while the nurses get annoyed and I try NOT to pretend it hurts like hell to have them trying to catch rolling,wispy veins.

 I think this is just their way of refusing to release me into closer care!So,my only option is to see if I can get a Dr. from here to refer me to a local onc and THEN have them get my recordsfrom Duke and total cut Duke out of the whole process.

 Why are they being such dicks???Isn't an onc I can see more frequently a GOOD thing?The local hospital has it's own research center,GREAT oncs,dx's 500 cases of cancer a year and has an excellent care record.I think Duke is victim of their own hype right now and they need to get the fuck over it.

 I am SO mad with them right now.

 In better news-Michael got a raise AND my sister is bringing Fox down for a visit starting this Thursday.We are all going down to visit my coastal family and I am REALLY excited about that.I am still looking for a job and found a couple of good possibilities.

 Leaves are changing here,it is cooling off-I LOVE it.Apparently that is difficult for people like my onc,NP and the like to grasp.But some people LIKE not living in urban sprawl.