Carnie Freak

Saturday, July 11, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHAEL!!!!!!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Another Little Prince

Fox William-my newest nephew.He was born at about half past midnight (July 10th),weighing in at slightly over 6 pounds.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Words

I bet you know this song Jojo.It is very truthful right now for me-though it is for anyone parted from someone/something they love.

See the stars that shine and give us light
One less star is in the sky tonight
Words alone won't keep our tears away
But I know that star will shine again someday

And heaven laughs when we say good-bye
It ain't so far to the other side
Someday soon we will meet again
Say it over and over and over 'til then

Dream tonight about a last embrace
Close my eyes and I will see your face
Dreams alone won't keep our tears away
But in my heart I know we'll meet again someday

And heaven laughs when we say good-bye
It ain't so far to the other side
Someday soon we will meet again
Say it over and over and over 'til then

And so we laugh when we say good-bye
It ain't so far to the other side
And heaven knows we will meet again
Say it over and over and over again

From everlast to everlasting
From sea to shining sea
How much did we take from each other
Here's one from the heart and more one for free

And heaven laughs when we say good-bye
It ain't so far to the other side
Someday soon we will meet again
Say it over and over and over 'til then

And so we laugh when we say good-bye
It ain't so far to the other side
And heaven knows we will meet again
Say it over and over and over again

Say it over and over and over again...

"Heaven Laughs" by The Hooters

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Tot

I now understand what it means to see someone you are so enamored by that you could just "eat them up".The closest I get is zerberts on the neck or kisses-'cause it makes him laugh.This was on a trip with his Mom and Dad to see his Mom's friends and family in NY state.He's so cute-I fell like a total mush brain now!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Brighter News

Now-I wanted to post separately because that is the least I could do for Jada.This blog is all the other mundane stuff....

First-my sister may deliver in the next 24 hours or so.They are waiting for the blood thinners to empty out of her system as much as they can before she goes into active labor.My third nephew will be here soon.

The other thing-

We found a house.It's a rental (for now).It is right midway between Asheville and Maggie Vallie-15 minutes to either place.It is in a little town BUT the few-AKA my backyard-is CRAZY!Mountains everywhere!The house is 100 years old-give or take a few years.It is very quirky.The bathrooms are both downstairs and the bedrooms upstairs flow one into the other.We could live in just the bottom floor.The office and spare room will be upstairs.If you want a closer look check out Michael's FB page.

We will move in August 1st.

Dark Heart

This is such a strange little post.

I got belated news Saturday that my Chemo Angeling assignment died.Jada's Mom sent me a letter.I knew when I saw it what it meant.She also gave me a photo.I am grateful for that.I sent a condolence card for her family and one specifically for her son-he's 10.There is a horror in buying a condolence card for a 10 year-old boy,when he is so young and his mother was younger than me.It's utter bullshit.

I fucking hate cancer.

I am also angry because CA admin didn't tell me about her passing (she died on the 18th).I was still sending cards!Shouldn't they have told me?I knew she was stage IV but I didn't expect this.I know stage IV's who have been so for years.

We never corresponded but I felt like we were friends.I am constantly thinking of her.I have to stop myself from writing on another card and sending it on its way.

Now they will send me another assignment.I don't know how soon.Part of me hopes it isn't another stage IV or terminal patient,or a kid.I feel like this knocked the breath out of me and to take on another so soon...I don't know if I can.

Is it odd that I got closer to someone like this than I have knowing some of my own relatives?

This thread is Jada's-

I am so sorry you left us all.I know that you left only in body,but for all the other bodies that is an ever-empty hole in their heart.You taught me so much that I didn't expect.I know my grief is nothing compared to your family's and to Jaylon-but it is there.I wish I could have done more to help.Thank you for coming into my life,from so far away.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Bright News

With so much life leaving the planet it was nice to get some good news this morning.Via Neil Peart himself (http://www.neilpeart.net/news/index.html):

"At the same time, under that same marine layer, my wife Carrie was seven months pregnant. [Pause for sharp intake of breath and shiver of apprehension.] Our baby was growing and kicking, protected and insulated in its own oceanic fluid, its own marine layer. The anxious (not to sayterrified) father kind of wished the baby could stay there, safe from harm, and not have to embark upon a life of menace and potential tragedy. He had lost before, and probably couldn’t stand to lose again. People kept saying it was going to be all right, and he tried to keep telling himself that. Even in the June Gloom."

This was just posted.It isn't news to Rush fans that 12 years ago NP's daughter passed in a car accident at 19,less than a year later his wife succumbed to cancer...and a broken heart.For quite a while Rush fans were left to wonder (and hope) what would happen to the band.Of course,Neil returned and we were all so pleased.

For this fan I can say my heart went out to him.Maybe it isn't something he would want-my sympathy,but he has it.I could not imagine the grief.I appreciated how he dealt with it-writing and riding across the world.He is a prolific writer.His words make my jaw slack in awe.He writes in ways I wish I could,his knowledge is so vast I just read and re-read...and re-read again!

So,to hear that he and his wife are expecting a baby (in another two months no less) is such great news.I think all Rush fans would celebrate this joy right along with him.I do.I often wondered if he missed being a father and I felt sad for him,missing that.Now he gets to flex those fathering skills again!

So,this writer bows out,feeling like a 2nd grader reading,or trying to-college level writing.I am going back to read...again.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Moonwalk

I wanted Michael to have a post of his own.

It broke my heart yesterday.I heard TMZ announce it first and I denounced them,calling them lying trash.But I found CNN fast as I could,hoping it was some horrible rumor.But it wasn't.

I remember listening to MJ songs,sitting on the curb in front of my grandmother's house.Thinking how cute he was and wondering,being a Southern girl in a VERY small town,if it was okay to have a crush on him.But when it was nothing but music,racial barriers were invisible.My wonder at his dancing talent NEVER ceases.I am still amazed,still eagerly sit through "Smooth Criminal" because it is my most favorite video of Michael's.Such a creative genius,such a dancer.The best dancer since Astaire.Effortless,fluid but sharp,with impeccable rhythm.

He was part of my childhood.From 45's of the Jackson 5 in my grandmother's house to tapes of Thriller,to cds of more recent tunes.When I was little,Thriller scared me,Vincent Price was so scary.I don't have that fear now.

Practically,I DO wonder about who will take his children and what happens to the Beetle catalog now?Ideally,I wish it would be offered up to Paul or Ringo,because they birthed those songs,like he birthed "Billy Jean".How he could withhold an artists creations from them I do not know.Very shrewd,but more than a little cold.

I have a version of "State of Shock" with him and Freddie.That was who dueted with him originally.I love that version.The quality is rough,it seems unfinished-but I don't care.I asked Michael last night,wheat will we do when someone even closer in our musical heart passes?Geddy,Neil,Alex,Robert Plant,Jimmy Page,other members of Queen,anyone in the Police.I know it won't make news like MJ is right now-not for most people.But my heart will break all over again.I hope those days are very long in coming.

I want to sing,dance and celebrate the music right now-but my heart is still so bruised.

That Hair

So,what a sad day yesterday.First Farrah,then Michael.One so expected the other so shocking.

First Farrah.What I am about to say won't be kind-but it is how I feel.I saw the documentary.Maybe it is cold to say I was not surprised by it,moved by it or softened.Instead I couldn't understand WHY she seemed to choose treatment based on things that seem so mundane,like her hair.That made me furious.I know,none of my business.I felt that her choices were not as gung-ho as they could have been.Part of me IS annoyed that she could afford to go to Germany for treatment that others cannot.

It's difficult to express it all.With a form of cancer that aggressive it spooked me that she took a doctors word that it was "gone".But the hair thing is so sensitive,it infuriates me.Choosing treatment around that one factor is so illogical to me,because in the end,it didn't much matter.I just feel that more choices would have been there had hair not been so important.

It seems that cancer treatment,like so much of medicine and life is divided in two camps based on money.These "gentler" treatments are something elitist,same as these cutting edge,out of country treatments (if they are indeed better).Meanwhile,those who cannot afford such gentle,green measures ARE subjected to what elitists see as poisoning.

It IS poisoning,without a doubt.It IS barbaric treatment,all of it.Who would choose to be poisoned,butchered and burned as a way to CURE something????But for those of us without celebrity size resources,it IS the only option you have.It makes me angry when they talk down about these treatments like they are just money making things or not good enough.Better yet that they are offered to us while REAL cures are somehow being hidden from us.

I don't like being made to feel like a pawn for my choices.I don't believe that my doctors offered me choices based on a paycheck.I believe they want to help others and solve a puzzle before it takes away anymore mothers,daughters,sisters and aunts.

I made my choices based on the fiercest options,well not quite.I was not so extreme that I got a mastectomy,but I chose a lumpectomy knowing full well that should my cancer return they will be removed.I chose it because I knew that I could only get radiation once in all this-I wanted that option exhausted first,because it was brutal.I knew it would be because I know my skin so very well.

I can't say I know what her pain was like.I don't.I never threw up,not once.I never had laser treatment with no sedation.The only pain I knew was from radiation burns and a sermoa after surgery.Small potatoes in the cancer world.Truly it is.I was very lucky.My chemo was easy on/for me,my surgery handles so well that the scar is often forgotten by me.

There was nothing I wouldn't sacrifice to treatment-my gastrointestinal health,my hair,my reproductive organs.I shaved my head almost eagerly,because in my mind it was a show that,much like a soldier entering basic training,I was ready to engage in battle.It didn't much bother me to loose it.

But maybe I am a girl after all,because my hair is stressful to me NOW.It is so thin I can see my scalp on the top.It is so thing and light it poofs at the smallest disturbance.It was the one thing I liked about myself and now it too is not what it once was.I am going for my first haircut today-17 months.I have low expectations for it,because of the hair-not anyone's styling talents.So,maybe Farrah and I had something in common after all.